Generally, neither being a wreck nor getting in a wreck are good things. Yet being wrecked, at least when God’s involved, is what we all need.
Wrecked can mean “to reduce to a ruinous state,” no thanks! But it can also mean to “bring about” or my personal favorite, “to rob, salvage, or repair wreckage or a wreck.”
No one wants to be left in a ruinous state, but to be salvaged or repaired? Yes, please—I need plenty of that! You, too?
Handling It Alone
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the type to handle things on my own. To go it alone. To wear the persona that all is well, even when it is definitely not.
Over the nearly 8 years of miscarriages, I stuffed my pain deep inside. No one wants to repeatedly hear about my loss, I reasoned. Everyone has their own problems. Besides, I really am blessed; how can I complain?
So I “handled” it.
When our little girl was first diagnosed with a lifelong disability, family and friends grieved with us. Yet I soon found myself stepping up to handle it.
I can do this thing called disability. It is my cross to bear.
This became a pattern in my life. Whenever pain entered my life, I stepped up. Whenever hard came, my resolve strengthened. I could manage it.
The problem was I became good at handling things alone that I should never have tried to shoulder myself. I grew to become an achiever, a doer. I invited God to come along to support me, but deep down I believed I had this.
That carried over into my work as an encourager as well.
As I began to type words on the screen, as I shared my thoughts with the online world, it slowly became a consuming task to handle well. I was driven to succeed in the writing world. To prove I could make it.
For nearly four years now I’ve shared the love and hope and grace of our Lord. And it was and is real. It was and is my heart. But first and foremost, ministry should beat in sync with His heart and be in His timing, not mine or yours.
Underlying all I was doing was this desire to do it well—for me—to prove myself. To learn enough and do enough to make things happen.
Wrecked, in a Good Way
And then last weekend the Lord wrecked me! At She Speaks, a writers, speakers and leaders conference hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries, message after message, speaker after speaker, addressed the motives behind our desire to minister. Is it because we want to bring glory to God or affirm ourselves? Are we waiting on the Lord’s timing or pushing our own timeline?
With each powerful message, I grew increasingly convicted to surrender more. As each layer was peeled back, I began to see how much my ministry had become about me doing well instead of me doing God’s will.
I saw where I was striving instead of abiding and thriving. I pushed ahead where I should have followed the Lord’s leading instead.
I had subconsciously fallen into the trap of wanted to achieve more than I wanted to serve Him.
And then She Speaks happened, and I was wrecked. An uncomfortable wrecking that is allowing God deeper access to my heart to repair and salvage what was becoming tainted and set on self.
I didn’t invite this. I didn’t realize I even needed it. And I’m not certain how it will play out going forward. But I trust the end result will be beautiful because it will be from God’s hand.
I thank God He brought me to an event where the organizers didn’t offer us attendees what we wanted to hear but what we needed to hear. Because the kind of encouragement we need isn’t the kind that leaves us stuck where we’re at.
The encouragement we need is the kind that challenges and leaves us exposed to the Lord’s wrecking ball of love—a process that salvages and repairs in the deepest places of our hearts. Exactly what we received from She Speaks.
It’s a process that hurts deep and heals deep, bringing us in closer relationship with the Lord. It’s a process that leaves a beautiful outcome in the aftermath of the wreck.
“You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13
Reflections: Has there been a time when the Lord has wrecked you? What did that mean for your life?
Not only am I thrilled to link up with Suzie Eller for #livefreeThursday and this week’s prompt, “wrecked (in a good way)” as well as Bonnie Gray from Faith Barista, and Kelly Balarie for #RaRalinkup, but I’m linking up specially with (in)courage to help celebrate their 6th birthday. I love these special linkups. They provide an abundance of great inspiration and encouragement all in one place. Click on the image below or links above to check them out.
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Yours in grace ≈