“I am afflicted and needy; hurry to me, God. You are my help and my deliverer; LORD, do not delay.” (Psalm 70:5)
Happiness was mine growing up. Each adventure-filled day became whatever I made it. Little rocked my boat.
But storms in this life will come. And as soon as one hit I was tossed and turned. The happiness of each day turned to depression and sadness as my first baby went home to be with Jesus shortly after conception.
Riding the Waves of Pain
Wrapped in an oppressive fog, I looked to fill my days with meaning somehow. I became consumed with having more children. It became my way of regaining the control I thought I once had.
What a seesaw ride I rode. With each living child my spirits lifted, my confidence in me grew, my hope in the world strengthened. But with each miscarriage, I crashed.
What an unhappy existence I led, contentment hanging precariously by an umbilical cord.
One living child, two, then the third and fourth. I was ecstatic yet devastated for intermingled with the precious ones I tucked in at night, five had gone to Heaven without ever feeling my touch.
I could have stumbled through the storms of sorrow over any loss. Over anything that didn’t go as I wanted it to.
No it was even more personal. It was all about me. More specifically, it was about where I placed my trust.
Instead of looking to the One that created meaning, I was looking inward and around to provide fulfillment. I trusted my strength and ability (and the doctors) to bring peace and contentment in the form of another child.
But God used my pain to show me a better way to live. He redeemed my loss to give me a life richer than I could ever imagine. In the darkness, He wooed me home.
My children bless me immensely. And I’m grateful they are in my life.
But looking back, I have no doubt that had God not blessed me with any children, He would have fulfilled my life anyway. Because it’s not about what we possess or the things/persons we are blessed with that bring meaning.
Fulfillment is found only in the Creator and Lover of our souls.
To that end, we need to learn to let go of reliance on self and the temporal for meaning. But it often takes the low points in our lives, the losses, to compel us to seek completion in Him.
As a young lady, I placed my trust in a good world, later in children. Now that my child-bearing years are over and my children are starting to leave home, I struggle with my trust drifting to other “things” like success. Where again, I’m rocked with the winds of a broken world.
So I continue the dance of surrendering self and seeking Life. A life that doesn’t dismiss our losses, but gives them purpose. Because in Jesus all is redeemed, for our glory and the glory of the Lord.
Whether you currently have children to hold or are waiting on the Lord in that matter, let Him still the storm raging inside. Shift your hope from things of this world (even good things like babies) to a steadfast, sure Hope.
Anchor your trust in Jesus Christ. Be forever fulfilled in Him.
“For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)
Reflection: Are you seeking fulfillment in something/someone other than the Lord?
To read the rest of this post and learn about the revelation that changed my life, click here to join me over at Expecting With Hope, where I am blessed to be a contributor. (Sorry, but this site seems to be down.)
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Yours in grace ≈